Brain Hammer's Picks From The Crypt

You can lock your windows and doors…But you can’t lock the madman out of your mind!

 MANIAC (1980)

The late great Joe Spinell (“Rocky,” “The Godfather”) completely commands the screen as Frank Zito, a deranged serial killer who prowls the streets of the big apple looking for beautiful women to rip the life out of. Frank was the end result of a childhood filled with brutal child abuse. His beautiful mother Carmen tormented his young mind and savaged his body, leaving him with devastating emotional and physical scars. Despite this abuse, Frank loved his dear mother with all of his heart; and when she was taken from Frank when he was very young in an auto accident… he never fully recovered.

His adult mind frequently becomes lost in a sea of voices. He now harbors a deep resentment for women, in particular the fancy ones the ones that sit and smile and say “yes miss, no miss, not now miss, whatever you say miss?” In Frank’s defense – it really is enough to drive a man crazy. Frank defends himself with a shotgun and hunts for tasty game after dark. His male victims are just random joes caught with their pants down and are quickly disposed of with strangulation or a face full of lead. Frank Zito is a ladies man. The women are treated to more torturous ways of slaughter and are routinely strangled, shot, stabbed, and finally scalped.

The scalps are very important to Frank. He brings them home to his fantastically creepy looking apartment and nails them to the heads of mannequins that also uses for sex. A true renaissance man, Frank also dabbles in the arts. He works as a painter, abstracts mostly, some still lifes, landscapes, that sort of thing. As an artist, Frank lives by the unique philosophy that things change, people die, but in a picture or painting they are yours forever. The mannequins are Frank’s supreme creation, and he captures the beautiful young women so that they may be his forever.

That’s why Frank has such a fancy for fancy girls and their fancy dresses and lipstick, laughing and dancing. He has to stop them because they don’t know when to stop. He warned them not to go out tonight. They can lock their windows and doors, but they can’t lock the madman out of their minds. The voices in Frank’s head implore him to be careful and always warn him that he could be taken away for doing the things he’s doing. This doesn’t stop Frank from stalking and slaying as many women as possible. Everyday a woman is born, and another will die. This cycle never ends.

Frank’s already busy life becomes even more complicated when he takes a stroll in the park one day looking at little girls and winds up being photographed by a stunning young fashionista named Anna D’Atoni. (the achingly beautiful Caroline Munro of Hammer Studios & “Slaughter High” fame!) Frank immediately tracks Anna down and incredibly enough, the two of them hit it off in a big way! Despite possessing an appearance that could be politely described as “creepy looking” or perhaps “weird and greasy,” Frank quickly charms the pants off of Anna and takes her out to dinner at a little restaurant over in Jersey called Clams Casino. Great Italian food. Frank later attends one of Anna’s exclusive fashion shoots. This allows Frank the opportunity to tap his toes to the funky sounds of Don Armando and the 2^nd Avenue Rhumba Band’s sizzling number “Goin’ To A Showdown.” It also gives Frank to the perfect chance to follow a model named Rita home and stick a large knife in her chest because she knew. Rita knew.

Frank’s third and final date with Anna sadly didn’t go nearly as well. A nighttime visit to the graveyard to pay respects to the beautiful Carmen Zito sounds like a perfect fun-time date, but Frank ultimately loses all control of his emotions at the gravesite. Now overcome with the feelings of emptiness and loss, Frank desperately reaches out at for woman now closest to his heart and attacks Anna. Scared and confused, Anna lashes back with a shovel and gives Frank a terrible cut on his arm. Losing blood and the final shreds of his sanity, Frank lamely retreats to the comforts of his apartment. But the worst for Frank has yet to come. His many female companions now have revenge on their minds and decide to take matters…and Frank’s head… into their own hands.

MANIAC is one of my all time favorite flicks, and I consider it to be one of the all time greatest horror flicks ever. I can still recall having nightmares about a guy jumping up on the hood of my parent’s car and shooting us after watching Bill Lustig’s fucking masterpiece of sleazy splatter as a wee, still-impressionable Brain Hammer. Tom Savini’s gore effects in this flick are some of the sickest stuff he’s ever done, and that is really saying something. The graphic scalpings, skewerings, and shotgun shenanigans vividly displayed in this flick caused many stomachs to turn when it was first released. Even Stephen King admitted to have been disgusted by it. In his 1981 book “Danse Macabre” he refers to the clas-sick whore scalping scene as “well-nigh impossible to watch.”

This infamous and controversial flick really set a new standard for all other 80′s flicks to follow in terms of grit and grue. Few slashers or exploitation flicks can come close when it comes to possessing such a suffocatingly disturbing, perverse, and violent atmosphere. “Maniac” is a down right brutal film that is clearly “love it or hate it” material… and more than a few critics hated the film and spoke out against it. Some self righteous cunts in California even took it upon themselves to paint over beautiful billboards with the clas-sick Joe Spinell crotch shot artwork. Some newspapers refused to run ads, or even list the title of the film. Despite, or more likely because of this controversy the film was very successful. Joe Spinell was right all along. It wasn’t just a horror picture, it was a HAPPENING.

I really can’t say enough great things about Joe’s performance in this flick.“Maniac” was clearly Joe’s baby. Joe Spinell co-wrote both the story and screenplay and co-produced the film. His performance is completely over the top, but is also really disturbing because it comes across as real. “Maniac” is a genuinely chilling film because there have been more than a few real life Frank Zitos in the world. Joe Spinell was one of the first people to accurately portray a demented serial killer and really delve deep into the twisted mind state and background of the character. He carries the whole movie. You spend every second with the killer and there’s no attempts whatsoever to make sympathetic characters out of the victims. It’s to Joe’s credit that every scene in “Maniac” is  fascinating and totally riveting. Not to mention the fact that Joe captured some great moments along with his pal Luke Walter by creeping around after hours with an extra camera. The man never slept, and his passion for the project can be felt in every moment of the film. I’m a huge fan of the late great Joe Spinell, and I’m proud have the Tony Gazzo action figure hanging on my wall.

Bill Lustig did a great job here directing his first non-porno flick. “Maniac” was made on a very small budget but still looks and sounds fantastic. The sound is another big part of why this film is so effective. Jay Chattaway’s original music is absolutely incredible and adds layers of depth and suspense to the film. There’s also also fantastic use of low rumbling noises, and later high pitched stings that really unnerve you. Bill Lustig later went on to direct a string of cult clas-sicks, including the almost equally brutal revenge flick “Vigilante,” and the notorious Bruce Campbell/Robert Z’Dar epic “Maniac Cop!” I personally consider “Maniac” to be Bill’s one true masterpiece, and know I’m not alone on that one. This flick has a well deserved, legendary cult following. “Maniac” t-shirts, fan art, posters, and lots more are all easy to find online. Frank Zito himself is even known to prowl around the net, and even has his own facebook page – which only the coolest people like.

Bill Lustig’s equally legendary and lovable Blue Underground has recently re released MANIAC on both blu-ray and dvd. This special edition release is a must own that includes a wealth of bonus features including audio commentary from Bill Lustig and Tom Savini, a fascinating 49 minute documentary on Joe Spinell, a vintage radio interview with Joe Spinell and Caroline Munro, numerous trailers from around the world, poster and still galleries, and best of all – a “Gallery Of Outrage” consisting of the film’s many bad reviews. Needless to say, if you don’t  already have this in your collection you suck.

And speaking of SUCK, it was sadly inevitable that “Maniac” would get a shitty remake. Every horror film ever made eventually will. For some reason, I find this one really painful. It’s silly because I’ve already sat through more of these things than I can count, and I’ve already endured the pain of having FOUR of my other favorite horror flicks get the same treatment – The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, Dawn Of The Dead, Last House On The Left, and most recently Evil Dead. At this point, it shouldn’t really matter, but at the same time – I can’t wrap my head around this one. Simply put, no one can put themselves in the mindset of Joe Spinell, and I don’t see anyone from the porno industry directing the film. What I am saying, is that no one nowadays has the fucking BALLS to make “Maniac.” It simply can’t be done. If they are trying to “top” it, fuck them, and if this is their “tribute” to it, fuck them. Either way, at the end of the day all they are doing is cashing in on Spinell’s brilliant idea, and the film’s reputation. If they were real fans of the film, they should pay for some theatrical screenings of Bill Lustig’s clas-sick. I don’t see that happening, so once again – fuck the greedy unoriginal bastards and fuck their remake! I won’t spend my hard earned cash on such bullshit, I will not waste my precious time watching it, and I encourage other real fans of MANIAC to do the exact same thing. ACCEPT NO IMITATIONS!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

…And Nothing Can Stop Us!

CLASS OF 1984 (1982)

An idealistic pacifist music teacher named Andy Norris (played by the bearded and sensitive looking Perry King)is transferred to Lincoln High, an ultra violent and dangerous inner city high school. Unfortunately for Mr. Norris, the teachers at Lincoln High have a very dangerous problem…their students! After settling into the neighborhood with his pregnant wife (Merrie Lynn Ross) he immediately runs afoul of the local teenage gestapo,led by the brilliant yet twisted student Peter Stegman (played by Timothy Van Patten of “White Shadow” & “Master Ninja” infamy).

Stegman is a sensitive, classically trained pianist AND a ruthless kingpin of crime who controls the booming high school drug and prostitution rackets. His slightly less than impressive gang consists of: Drugstore: the skinny and strung out drug dealer and wisecracker, Fallon: the muscle who beats people up and breaks in the new prostitutes, Barnyard: the token fat slob (played by Keith Knight, who also played the token fat slob in “Meatballs!”) who loves The Clash, and Patsy: the pasty faced punk rock skank. The five of them somehow manage to control the entire school population and staff AND dominate other rival gangs via intimidation and brutal violence.

There’s an awesome racially fueled gang fight between the Swastika sporting punks and a Black gang highlighted by the young Caribbean accented gang leader saying “No one messes around with my man Leroy. I’m gonna cut you white meat!” We’re also treated to an extended sequence where Stegman auditions prospective prostitutes and drug dealers. A fresh faced and non twitchy Michael J Fox appears in an important supporting role as a lovable band geek who takes a shank to the kidneys after narcing on Drugstore for selling his pussy best friend a lethal dose of dust.

Mr. Norris tries his best to do things by the book and keep the kids in line but it ultimately proves useless. He tries to turn the kids in but the police are unable to do anything because the kids are underage and there’s no real evidence. The school’s Principal and security staff are equally worthless. His only ally in the school is the burnt out and booze addled Biology teacher – Terry Corrigan (played very convincingly by the legendary Roddy McDowall). After a sick and disgusting act of retribution where the vicious punks skin every cute little bunny in the bio lab, Terry eventually snaps and decides to teach his class at gunpoint! Mr. Norris barely manages to talk him out of blowing the students away, and he will soon regret that decision.

Terry tries to get the last laugh by running the punks over but winds up crashing and burning. After a bizarre bathroom showdown with Mr. Norris, Stegman violently smashes his own face into a mirror and convincingly blames the teacher for it. Andy finally gets pissed off and destroys Stegman’s beloved automobile in return. Stegman then declares all out war on the teacher. “Life is pain. Pain is everything. You will learn. I will teach you.” The movie reaches a whole new level of nastiness when the punks show up at the Norris household and gang rape his pregnant wife!

This unspeakable act leads to the final showdown at the big band recital. The pasty faced punk rock skank (who looks very fuckable by the way!) shows up and presents Polaroids of the dirty deed to Mr. Norris, which is enough to finally make him ditch his pacifist ways and start spilling blood like a man! Andy Norris: a teacher equipped to deal with students. But they pushed him to the limit that has gone too far. Now he’s about to teach the Class of 1984 the most dangerous lesson they deserve. This teacher will assure that the class of 1984 will earn a higher degree in pain!

I’m a huge fan of this masterpiece of prophetic punk rock perfection, which was written and directed by Mark L. Lester, who also helmed the 80′s clas-sick “Commando.” Few revenge themed films are this satisfying. The sequence where Mr. Norris has to fight his way though the high school and finally gets his revenge on the gang is fantastic. Arms are severed, table saws sever spines, people are set on fire, plummet to their deaths, and are crushed with cars! This flick is also exceptionally well made and acted. It almost plays like an after school special, only with a bad case of herpes.

This flick drips with a genuinely sleazy punk rock atmosphere. There’s a nifty scene where Stegman and his pals go to a punk rock club and skank to the ripping sounds of Teenage Head! The non-violent highlight of the flick for me has to be the incredible scene were Stegman “auditions” for Mr. Norris’s “asshole band” by unexpectedly busting out a stunningly beautiful classical composition on the piano, and then demands to know if he got “the fucking gig!” This scene is especially cool because Timothy Van Patten actually composed and performed the piece! Talented guy. Speaking of music, I almost forget to mention the incredibly cheesy theme song “I Am The Future” which was provided by none other than Alice Cooper. Quite an embarrassment for old Alice, as it sounds like a very lame Broadway tune!

Anchor Bay released a beautiful DVD of CLASS OF 1984 that features goodies like the trailer, a commentary track with writer/director Mark Lester, and interviews with Perry King and his on-screen wife Merrie Lynn Ross. I highly recommend a purchase. This one gets better every time I watch it, and I don’t think I could count how many times I’ve watched this one over the years. A true clas-sick! 

Mark Lester went back to school in 1990 with his campy sci-fi semi-sequel CLASS OF 1999. Leaving the gritty realism of “Class Of 1984″ far behind, this one takes a one way trip into Goofytown. Set in the not too distant future, schools across the nation have become the setting for widespread bloodshed and gang violence. Some of the areas surrounding the schools have become so deadly, they are declared “free fire zones” with no police presence. One of the very worst is Kennedy High School, which is understandable because the Principal is Malcolm McDowell. There’s just one subject at Kennedy High…Survival!

Malcolm hires an especially creepy looking albino Stacey Keach to clean up the school with the help of his specially trained robotic “tactical education units.” These robot teachers include none other than Blaxploitation legend Pam Grier, John P. Ryan from “It’s Alive” & “It Lives Again” and the always awesome Patrick Kilpatrick of “Toxic Avenger” infamy. As to be expected, the androids eventually snap and start using their deadly force against innocent students. It’s up to a punk kid named Cody (Bradley Gregg – who also starred in “Nightmare On Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors”) to avenge his younger brother Angel (the one and only Joshua John Miller!) and to unite the warring student factions and uprise against the cyborg substitutes. It’s the last lesson they will ever learn!

This one fails as any sort of sequel or follow up to the far, far superior “Class of 1984,” but as a stand alone action flick it’s pretty entertaining. Especially if you have any fondness for familiar faces and the gloriously cheesy early 1990′s. The futuristic fashions in this one are absolutely ridiculous, and the fact that the lead character is named “Cody” doesn’t help me take things any more seriously. It’s interesting to note that this film was actually written by “Cody” himself – Bradley Gregg. It makes the flick seem a bit more of  vanity project, but also adds to the unintentional comedy. It’s hard to say how serious any of this was meant to be taken, but the flick is so silly & stupid that it doesn’t really matter. With lots of laughs and plenty of action, I can easily endorse this one for anyone who wants to kill a few brain cells. CLASS OF 1999 is currently available on a bare bones DVD from Lionsgate. 

CLASS DISMISSED! KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!   

A cop…a killer…a deadline!

10 TO MIDNIGHT (1983)

The legendary Charles Bronson stars as veteran Los Angeles police detective Leo Kessler, a mean selfish son of a bitch who wants a killer. The killer he wants is Warren Stacey (Gene Davis), a good looking creep who works as an office equipment repairman, enjoys a good bullfight, and likes to use his knife as a penis. Warren strips, stalks, and slashes any good looking female unfortunate enough to reject his feeble sexual advances. Warren also has a knack for using large breasted women to create air tight alibis while he runs around doing his deadly business buck naked. We first get to see Warren in action as he cuts a date short by carving up two young lovers who were fucking in a van.

Leo is sent in to investigate the murders, under the supervision of his cowboy hat sporting Captain (played by none other than Wilford “Diabetes” Brimley!). Captain cowboy hat saddles Leo with a straight laced, fresh faced partner named Paul McAan (Andrew Stevens) who comes along for the ride and eventually becomes romantically involved with Leo’s estranged daughter Laurie (Lisa Eilbacher). Warren makes the mistake of going after one of his victim’s diaries, and winds up murdering her lingerie clad roommate. (Warren is nice enough however to turn off her eggs so the place doesn’t burn down.) This senseless murder came shortly after Leo and McAnn had already questioned the girl, and immediately made Warren the prime suspect.

Leo & McAan decide to pay Warren an unannounced visit at his apartment for questioning. McAan makes small talk with Warren about the violent spectacle of bullfighting and boxing while Leo gets an eye popping look at Warren’s porn mags and sex toys in his bathroom. After that brief encounter, Leo has a pretty strong hunch that Warren is his man. Warren is brought in for more questioning in front of the district attorney. Leo plays it hard and fast, and comes dangerously close to making allegations instead of asking questions. Leo eventually snaps and whips out Warren’s suck machine, violently asking him what it’s used for. I’ll tell you what it’s used for – it’s for JACKING OFF!

Warren is ultimately never charged for anything, has an ironclad alibi, and is released for a lack of evidence. Leo rightfully complains that the law seems to protect maggots like Warren Stacey like they were an endangered species. Leo then makes up his mind to put Warren away at any cost, despite the moral difference of what’s lawful and legal. Things get even more personal when Warren starts stalking after Laurie and her fellow female nursing students. Warren then makes a perverted phone call to the dorm, telling her in Spanish that he wants to eat her pussy. He also thoughtfully offers to give it to her in the ass, after she gives him a blowjob – of course. Laurie turns to her Father for help, and Leo & McAnn begin recording the phone calls and have a police radio left at the dorm in case of emergency. Warren calls again and generously offers to take Laurie to a hotel and do it every way there is. He also politely informs her that her Father is a pig and her mother is a whore.

This final insult is too much for Leo Kessler to take. Knowing that hauling in Warren for obscene calls will be a waste of time, Leo decides to speed up the wheels of justice and fabricate a little evidence. Leo plants some blood on Warren’s clothing to frame him and ensure a conviction for murder. When Warren screams that Leo is lying, his sleazy public defender Dave Dante (played to perfection by Geoffrey Lewis) listens and decides to do something about it. Dante turns to straight laced, fresh faced Paul McAnn and presses the issue. Knowing that he cannot truthfully testify against Warren without perjuring himself, McAnn hesitatingly decides to turn in his senior partner instead. Leo is promptly thrown off the force, and Warren is back on the streets. Leo & Warren both hold a grudge, and the inevitable final showdown comes after Warren gives Laurie and her friends the Ted Bundy treatment. It’s time for Leo to forget what’s legal and do what’s right!

10 TO MIDNIGHT stands out to me as the most brutally violent and lurid entry of all of Charles Bronson’s filmography. It’s also the closest thing to a slasher film that he ever starred in.There is more than a little slasher film influence in this one, especially in the opening and closing homicidal rampages that bookend the film. The all out assault that Warren Stacy unleashes on the nurses dormitory was clearly influenced by the Richard Speckmassacre of years before. There is a fantastic moment where Warren is naked and stalking after one of his unfortunate female victims who is hiding inside a shower stall and you see his shadow complete with a knife. Like the “Death Wish” films,“10 To Midnight” also shares a similar sense of brutal, eye for an eye justice. How many more have to die before the killer isfinally stopped? The memorable ending of the film literally hammers this point home with a bullet.

Director J. Lee Thompson (who also directed the slasher clas-sick “Happy Birthday To Me”) was at the helm for this one. Thompson had previously worked with Bronson in the 70′s and would later direct him in other 80′s clas-sicks such as “The Evil That Men Do,” “Murphy’s Law,” and “Death Wish IV: The Crackdown.” I give Thompson a lot of credit for a job well done. The stalk and slash sequences in this film are exceptionally tense and uncomfortable. It’s interesting to note that the title of the film – “10 To Midnight” was apparently lifted from another Cannon Films project (which later became “The Evil That Men Do”) and had nothing to do whatsoever with the story. Despite scathing reviews, including a “zero stars” review from Roger Ebert that called the film “a garbage disposal,” the film was a box office success and eventually found a long life on home video.

This is hands down my all time favorite Charles Bronson flick, and a personal favorite of mine as well. I was lucky enough to grow up with a Mother who happened to be a big Charles Bronson fan. She even made my Father grow a moustache so he could look more like Chuck. My Mother collected Bronson flicks on VHS, and as a wee Brain hammer I was treated to multiple viewings of “Death Wish,” “Death Wish II,” “Hard Times,” “The Mechanic,” “Assassination,” “Someone Behind The Door” (a real oddity), and of corpse – “10 To Midnight!” This may in fact be the first time I ever saw male and female nudity in a film. My parents watched this one more than once in our living room, and would make me cover my eyes whenever Warren would run around naked. Interestingly enough, I was always allowed to watch the graphic death scenes – which probably explains why I grew up to be psychotic!

Extra special attention must also be given to actress Katrina Parish, who briefly appears as Warren’s large breasted alibi Tina. Without exaggeration, Katrina Parrish is one of the hottest chicks to ever set foot in front of a camera. An extended look at her incredible tits and ass would likely make your dick melt from the heat, so it’s probably a good thing that this is the only flick she ever briefly appeared in. She is a fucking LEGEND.

10 TO MIDNIGHT is currently available on DVD. A collection without this one is pissworthy, so buy or die.

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!! 

It’s not fear that tears you apart…it’s HIM!

ANTHROPOPHAGUS (1980)

A chance meeting inside a cable car in Greece brings together a young tourist named Julie (Tisa “Zombi II” Farrow) and a small group of travelers (including the lovely Zora Kerova of “Cannibal Ferox” infamy) about to take a boat trip along the Archipelago. Julie hitches a ride so she can be dropped off along the way on a remote island where a babysitting job awaits her. When the group finally arrive at the island they are shocked to find it completely deserted. Julie is especially worried when she finds the large house where her employers were supposed to be waiting for her to be empty, with the sole exception of the family’s young blind daughter – who was cowering inside a wine barrel in the cellar!

The traumatized girl babbles a mad tale of a foul smelling savage beast that devoured everyone on the island, including her parents. The gang is skeptical and wind up paying for it with their lives. The “beast” in question is actually a man – a man who was long ago driven insane by a shipwreck and the tragic death and forced consumption of his wife and child. The now completely deranged cannibal killer mutilates and devours anyone who dares set foot on the island he now calls home.

The hideous looking madman (played very convincingly by co-writer Luigi Montefiori aka George Eastman of “Porno Holocaust” legend) immediately kidnaps the groups’ token whiny pregnant chick and stashes her away for late night snacking. Then the angry antropophagus sets his sights on Julie and her friends and slowly stalks after them in the night. It’s not the fear that will tear them apart…IT’S HIM!

ANTHROPOPHAGUS is an especially nasty effort from the legendary director Joe D’Amato. (aka Aristide Massacessi – RIP) It plays out much like an 80′s slasher flick, punctuated with graphic moments of explicit violence that are more in the vein of some of D’Amato’s previous efforts like“Beyond The Darkness” & “Emmanuelle And The Last Cannibals.” It wouldn’t be a stretch to call this a slasher flick with a zombie killer. Although the antropophagus isn’t an undead ghoul, he is very much alive and consumed with bloodlust. The most infamous moment in this flick has to be the scene where George chows down on a freshly removed fetus! A skinned rabbit was used for this effect and it is convincingly pukeworthy.

The gory gut munching climax is also extremely memorable, and is usually splashed all over the cover artwork just to spoil everyone’s fun. Although the film occasionally suffers from a coffin’s pace, it never skimps on the splatter when the man-eater gets down to business. A few of the special effects are a bit less than convincing (the freshly severed head in a bucket is laughably fake looking) but that only adds to the fun. George is one scary looking dude, and the scenes towards the end of the film where he stalks after Tisa Farrow are pretty scary stuff. The minimal plot (most of the film consists of people walking around in the dark looking for other people) and maximum carnage can make this one an acquired taste, but gorehounds should certainly consider this a must see.

This infamous horror film was indeed  “nasty” enough to have been banned on video in the UK for over 18 years. Several different versions have been released on vhs and dvd over the years, with multiple alternate titles including “Antropophagus: The Beast” (the UK video title), “Savage Island,” “Man Eater,” and “The Grim Reaper” (the original US video title). These releases were all butchered and castrated to suit the timid tastes of censors. Fortunately for horror fans, the fine folks at Shriek Show were good enough to release a completely UNCUT version of ANTHROPOPHAGUS which was made from the original Italian negative. Shriek Show’s nifty two disc release includes a wealth of bonus features including a 67 minute documentary entitled “Joe D’Amato: Totally Uncut 2,” an interview with stars George Eastman and Zora Kerova, a photo gallery, and more trailers than you can shake a severed limb at. Highly recommended.

Joe D’Amato & George Eastman teamed up again the following year to create a loose, follow up film (and unofficial sequel) entitled ABSURD. This time around George Eastman stars as Mikos, a monstrous Greek serial killer gifted with mutant blood that coagulates instantly and makes him almost indestructible. A priest played by Edmund Purdom (Pieces) chases the monster down and disembowels him. Mikos is sent to the local hospital, where he quickly comes back to life, snuffs a nurse with a surgical drill and then resumes his violent killing spree. The next victim is none other than future horror writer and director Michele Soavi (!), who plays an ill fated biker. Mikos is only briefly sidelined after being accidentally hit by a Doctor’s passing automobile, and then sets his deadly sights on the Doctor’s family. The family’s two young children had been left alone for the evening, and come face to face with an all too real boogeyman, more horrible than anything they could have ever imagined!

Despite the many obvious similarities, including of course the casting of George Eastman as the intestinally challenged monster-killer, ABSURD actually has nothing at all to do with ANTHROPOPHAGUS, and was not meant to be a proper sequel to that film. It stands out to me as more of an imitation of the American slasher flicks of the era, especially John Carpenter’s clas-sick “Halloween.” George doesn’t sport any creepy looking zombie makeup this time around, but he still looks pretty damned creepy while walking around in white tennis shoes. Much like the film that proceeded it, the horrible highlights of “Absurd” are the violent death scenes, which include George’s graphic impalement (sadly there’s no intestine eating this time around), buzz saws to the skull, and an extended gore sequence featuring a nurse getting a close up look at the inside of a gas oven.

Fans of “Anthropophagus” who are hungry for more splatter should eat this one up. It’s also highly recommended for fans of gory 80′s slasher flicks. This film was released under multiple alternate titles over the years, including “Absurd,” “Rosso Sangue,” “Anthropophagus 2″, “Grim Reaper 2,” and “Zombie 6: Monster Hunter.” You can currently find it uncut on DVD under the title HORRIBLE from Mya Communication. The total lack of bonus features is a bummer, but the gory goodness contained within the film itself more than justifies a purchase. Buy or die!

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

These girls do exactly what you think they do!

CANNIBAL GIRLS (1973)

A pre-SCTV Eugene Levy & Andrea Martin star as Clifford & Gloria, a groovy young couple who plan a romantic winter getaway in a small town in the middle of nowhere called Farmhamville. Their trip quickly takes a detour into disaster when Clifford’s beat up old car breaks down. The young lovers try to make the best of the situation and check into the local motel. The elderly manager of the motel welcomes them with open arms, and then proceeds to tell them about a horrifying local legend.

According to the legend, a terrible trio of incredibly sexy and homicidal young girls once lived in a nearby farmhouse. The sirens once lured a trio of incredibly horny and stupid young men to a violent demise, and then feasted upon their flesh. Then the girls mysteriously disappeared and were never seen or heard from again. Clifford & Gloria are understandably freaked out by the story, but are stuck in town until their car can be repaired. Clifford then attempts to seduce Gloria with the power of his folk rock balladry in a scene that made me wish I had a pair of scissors handy to shove into my ears and perhaps some bleach to splash into my eyes.

Later that evening, Clifford & Gloria are escorted by the motel owner to a cozy little bed & breakfast isolated deep within the surrounding woods. The proprietor of the b&b is a bizarre and bearded hippie type who calls himself Reverend Alex (Ronald Ulrich). The rev wastes no time before leering at Gloria, and then inviting himself to join them for dinner. The entertainment for the evening is also provided by the Reverend, who regales his guests with tales of his family’s proud history of of executions and venereal disease. The meal is then served by the Reverend’s three lovely female companions, and because this is a horror film, no one makes the obvious connection to the local legend. Clifford & Gloria ultimately decide to spend the night with the gang, which is a rather foolish decision for characters in a film titled “Cannibal Girls” to make. These girls do exactly what you think they do!

Eugene Levy is an ugly, ugly man. That thought kept running through my mind over and over again while I was watching this flick. I’ve always found him to be a bit creepy looking, but to see him back in the early 70′s sporting a huge afro, mutton chops, and mustache is something else altogether. He looks like the mutant offspring of Gene Shalit & Tony Iommi. Now that I got that verbal abuse out of my system, I can comment on his performance in the film – it’s actually really good. Eugene’s talent for improvisation is obvious, even at such an early stage in his career. Andrea Martin & Ronald Ulrich also do a great job fleshing out the threadbare script with a lot of witty, off the cuff dialog.

But what about the cannibal girls, you ask?!? Simply stated, they are fucking amazing. The lovely ladies are played by Randall Carpenter, Bonnie Nielson, and Mira Pawluk, and all three are incredibly gorgeous. The highlight of the movie for me was seeing the girls parading around in their sexy, matching outfits. These girls also know how to deliver the bloody goods. I was pleasantly surprised to see that this film has more than it’s fair share of splatter. I also enjoyed the fact that the comedy never completely overshadows the horror. This is a very self-aware & campy horror film, bordering on parody, but it also never feels like it is entirely trying to take the piss out of the genre. It comes across as more of an amusingly satirical tribute to the trashy low budget drive-in flicks of it’s era. It would be nice if the horror filmmakers of today could learn how to do that sort of thing properly. Sadly, they just don’t make them like this anymore!

The good folks at Shout! Factory have quickly become a horror & exploitation fan’s best friend with their top notch dvd and blu-ray releases. CANNIBAL GIRLS is no exception. This special edition dvd release marks the long overdue debut of the film on home video in the States. Even a bare bones dvd release would have been cause for celebration, and this special edition release – which is loaded with bonus features gets the party started in a BIG way. The “scrumptious” bonus material includes brand new interviews with director Ivan Reitman, producer Daniel Goldberg, and none other than Eugene Levy himself! There’s also radio spots, the original theatrical trailer (which rules), and an alternate audio track that features the infamous William Castle styled “WARNING BELL,” which supposedly warns tender-tummied viewers of any upcoming carnage. Best of all, the warning bell doesn’t really work. It usually starts a bit after the blood, or stops short before the gore is gone. They don’t call them exploitation flicks for nothing! Consider this one Brain Hammer approved and highly recommended.

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

A legend of terror is no campfire story anymore!

THE BURNING (1981)

A mischievous group of young campers assemble under the cover of darkness and prepare the biggest number that Camp Blackfoot has ever seen. The kids plan to scare the shit out of a cruel and sadistic summer camp caretaker named Cropsy. Unfortunately for everyone involved, the bizarre prank involving a rotting skull and candles backfires in a big way and Cropsy’s bedding catches on fire. The flames ignite a can of gasoline and in seconds Cropsy’s shack is engulfed. Tragically, Cropsy wasn’t familiar with the “stop, drop, and roll” concept and instead ran around screaming while trying to make his way into the nearby lake.

Cropsy survives the fire, but is very badly burned. He looks so bad that hospital orderlies describe him as “a fucking Big Mac, well done.” Five years of unsuccessful skin graphs leave Cropsy horribly disfigured and more than a little pissed off. Once he finally regains his strength he leaves the hospital with a burning hatred raging in his mind. Cropsy makes one final attempt at regaining his humanity by hiding his burns and picking up a hooker, and the whore’s eventual and inevitable repulsion and rejection of Cropsy is enough to make him finally snap and shove a pair of scissors into her abdomen.

Now completely deranged, Cropsy grabs his trusty pruning shears and returns to Camp Blackfoot to finally have his revenge. As Cropsy slowly takes his time prowling around the camp, we are introduced to a number of campers. The potential body count fodder includes the wisecracking and porn peddling Dave (Jason Alexander aka George from “Seinfeld”), fast talking ladies man Eddy (Ned Eisenberg, who stole the show as a horror freak in “Moving Violations”), shy and misunderstood Alfred (Brian Backer, who also proved in both “Fast Times At Ridgemont High” AND “Moving Violations” that he can play a geek with the best of them!), junior jerk off champion Woodstock (Fisher Stevens aka the comic relief Indian from “Short Circuit”), a menacing meat head named Glazer (Larry Joshua, who went on to play…Pong, in his underwear), and Glazer’s incredibly hot virgin girlfriend Sally (Carrick Glen, who also appeared in the Brain Hammer approved slasher clas-sick “Girl’s Nite Out!”).

Cropsy bides his time until a large group of campers and two counselors leave the camp for an adventurous overnight canoe trip. Cropsy tags along for the ride and when night falls the bloodshed begins. Not in the least bit concerned about who he kills, Cropsy makes mincemeat out of any unhappy camper that crosses his path. This legend of terror isn’t just a campfire story anymore. The pain is all too real to Cropsy, and he uses his wicked shears to hack life and limbs away from all whom enjoy a normal existence. Don’t look, he’ll see you. Don’t breathe, he’ll hear you. Don’t move…YOU’RE DEAD!

THE BURNING is a true masterpiece of 80′s horror. It was written by future billionare Harvey Wienstein shortly before the similar “Friday The 13th” turned the world of horror on it’s ear and was released just afterwards in time to cash in on the booming slasher market. This is also truly one of the very best slasher films set in a summer camp. Few flicks, horror or otherwise can rival this film when it comes to capturing the madcap spirit and sexual energy of summer camp. A lot of quality time is spent getting to know and appreciate the characters, and I think it ultimately adds to the impact of the film. It also gives us a chance to enjoy an extended shower scene with Carrick Glen and her beautiful soapy chicken breasts. The rest of the cast is also fantastic, and the kids are all innocent, sympathetic characters, which makes their wholesale slaughter at the hands of Cropsy even more potent.

Tom Savini’s gory special effects were the major selling point of the film. Savini already had a well deserved reputation as a wizard of gore thanks to his fantastic work on clas-sick flicks like “Dawn Of The Dead,” “Maniac,” and “Friday The 13^th.” Interestingly, Savini turned down a lucrative offer to do the effects for Steve Miner’s “Friday The 13^th Part II” and chose to work on “The Burning” instead because he didn’t want to repeat himself. Tom Savini has created many incredible effects over the years, but “The Burning” perhaps more than any other slasher film is the best showcase for his brilliant work.

The multiple stabbings, slicings, skewerings, and shearings are about as bloody and over the top as anything ever splashed upon the screen. The incredible “raft massacre” scene is the highlight of the film and is the stuff of legend. Much credit must also be given to director Tony Maylam, as well as editor Jack Sholder (who later helmed the clas-sick “Alone In The Dark”) for knowing how to use these special effects to their fullest potential in the film. The numerous death scenes are tightly edited for maximum impact. Cropsy’s hideous burnt visage is frightening, especially in closeup. The special effects and makeup are spectacular and still look great today. The soundtrack music performed by Rick Wakeman is also excellent. All around, “The Burning” is a quality 80′s slasher flick that more than stands the test of time.

It’s well known that “The Burning” is one of the all time great slasher flicks. It also had a sad reputation for being one of the most heavily scissored victims of the MPAA morality police. The original R rated vhs releases, and most of the region 2 dvd releases were all heavily edited, missing vital organs, and were therefore worthless. Several years ago I paid $25 for a murky looking bootleg vhs copy of the uncut Japanese print – and thought it was quite a bargain. Better than nothing. Looking back I could kick myself for such a foolish purchase, especially when I watch the beautiful looking remastered dvd print of “The Burning” that MGM officially released in September of 2007.

After several years of having this one tucked up their ass, MGM went the extra mile with this dvd release. First of all, they were wise enough to present the UNCUT version of THE BURNING with all of the juicy splatter intact. The dvd features beautiful picture quality and is much clearer looking than any previous release. Best of all, we get several brand new bonus features – including a 17 minute Tom Savini special effects featurette entitled “Blood N’ Fire,” a commentary track with director Tony Maylam, a photo gallery, and the theatrical trailer. After years of anticipation, this dvd release wound up being well worth the wait and was my DVD PICK for 2007. No respectable horror collection is complete without a copy! It will take you further than fear.

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

There’s more than one way to lose your heart…

MY BLOODY VALENTINE (1981)

Once upon a time on a sad Valentine, in a place known as Hanniger Mine…a legend began. Every woman and man would always remember the time. And those who remained were never the same, you could see the fear in their eyes. Once every year as the 14th draws near there’s a hush all over the town. 20 years came and went and everyone spent the 14th in quiet regret. And those still alive know the secret survives, in the darkness that looms in the night. In this little town when the 14th comes round there’s a silence and fear in the air. Remember the morn that the legend was born, all the shock and the horror was there. For the legend they say on a Valentine’s Day is a curse that will live on and on, and no one will know as the years come and go of the horror from long time ago.

And what would Valentine’s Day be without a deadly love triangle? T.J. Hanniger (Paul Kelman) moves back to town with his tail between his legs after splitting town a few years earlier and heading for the west coast…where he really fell on his ass. T.J. reluctantly goes back to work in his old man’s cole mine with his old wisecracking pals. He also puts the squeeze on his old love interest Sarah (Lori Hallier), much to the ever increasing disgust of Axel (Neil Affleck), T.J.’s former best friend who also happens to be Sarah’s current boyfriend. The late, great Keith Knight (Class Of 1984, Meatballs) co-stars as the token comic relief fat guy Hollis, who cooks TV dinners on car engines, sports a sweet looking moustache, and has a really good looking girlfriend named Patty, who promises to rock the upcoming Valentine’s Day dance in a red dress that will be appropriately cut and slit. She might not make it out of there alive.

Actually, no one is going to make it out of there alive. Not if old Harry Warden has anything to do with it. Harry has a hard on for Valentine’s Day dances because he was once trapped inside Hanniger Mine on Valentine’s after a massive methane explosion. Harry then spent the next six weeks nibbling on the remains of his fellow miners before finally being rescued. Harry then went to a mental hospital for a few years before breaking out…on Valentine’s Day. Harry cut out the hearts of a couple people he held responsible for the accident, and then fled town with a warning. “From the heart comes a warning, filled with bloody good cheer, remember what happened as the 14th draws near.” 

But the kids in town don’t remember. Or more importantly, they don’t care. After 20 long years the community finally decides to throw another Valentine’s dance. Harry isn’t happy about it and sends a freshly severed human heart inside a box of chocolates to the Mayor as a warning. Harry then pays a visit to a sweet old lady named Mabel who was helping organize the dance and plants a pick ax in her chest for her efforts. The police chief later shows up  at Mabel’s laundromat and stumbles upon her charred corpse. He also finds a Valentine stuffed inside her chest cavity. “It happened once. It happened twice. Cancel the dance or it will happen thrice.” 

The mayor and the chief immediately shut down the dance. In the interest of public safety, they decide to cover up the murders and the chance that Harry Warden might be back in town. They blame Mabel’s death on a heart attack, and tell the kids the dance will be cancelled. The chief also tells them not to hold any parties either. The wacky, middle aged kids don’t listen to reason and decide instead to throw a big Valentine’s night bash at the coal mine’s recreation center. Harry wastes no time crashing the party, and promptly starts wasting the party goers. A small group of kids, including our love interest Sarah decide to take a trip on the coal cart into the depths of the mine. As they descend into the darkness they are blissfully unaware that a killer is on the loose. The corpses are eventually discovered, and T.J. & Axel have to temporarily put their differences aside and go into the mine to look for Sarah and their friends. Harry’s out to steal their hearts.

Director George Mihalka’s MY BLOODY VALENTINE is one of my all time favorite flicks. Like many of the clas-sick horror films that I love so much, I was first introduced to this one as a wee Brain Hammer. I first saw “My Bloody Valentine” on USA Network’s Saturday Night Nightmares, and it had a lasting effect on me. MBV is a very scary slasher flick, and the abandoned mine shaft setting is especially claustrophobic and creepy. Harry Warden is also a really bad ass looking killer! The miner’s mask, the breathing, and the pick ax are all very effective and memorable. The sudden and violent deaths of almost all of the characters on the film also made this one stand out to me. It still does. I think “My Bloody Valentine” is one of the very best “stand alone” slasher flicks from the glory daze of the 80′s horror craze. It’s also one of the greatest Canadian horror flicks of all time, with only David Cronenberg’s “Shivers” & “Rabid” (also produced by MBV’s John Dunning and Andre Link) being superior.

Like many other horror flicks from that era, “My Bloody Valentine” was heavily edited to receive an “R” rating. Most of the juicy splatter and graphic gore effects went out the window, but the film still managed to pack a punch and be effectively shocking. It helps that (most of) the characters are well defined enough to actually care about. The real star of the movie in my eyes is Keith Knight, who I also loved in “Meatballs” and “Class Of 1984.” Keith’s death scene in MBV via nail gun was especially drawn out and brutal, and most of it was scissored upon release. The other death scene that really stands out, even in a truncated form is the nasty impalement that sweet Sylvia suffers in the showers. No respectable 80′s horror flick is complete without a “prophet of doom” who warns those damned kids that they’re doomed, and “My Bloody Valentine” has a big winner with “Happy,” the world’s angriest bartender. Happy’s death scene is also a real pisser. Speaking of laughs, I get a kick out of the fact that the town is apparently completely controlled by two grumpy old men – the mayor and the sheriff, and that they call everyone “kids,” despite the fact the cast is mostly in their late 20′s/early 30′s.

“My Bloody Valentine” was originally released by Paramount just in time for Valentine’s Day, in February of 1981. The film wasn’t exactly a “Friday the 13th” sized blockbuster, but still slashed up a respectable $5.5 million at the box office. It later became a hit in the home video market, and eventually developed a well deserved cult following. I remember shelling out $29.95 for a brand new VHS copy around 1999 or 2000, and then feeling like an idiot when it came out on DVD in 2002. For years afterwards I can remember seeing online talk about the missing gore footage, and catching glimpses here & there of bloody production stills and lobby cards. An uncut version of MBV was the holy grail for carnage collectors, and incredibly enough – the gods of gore were kind enough make it a reality!

In 2009 Paramount/Lionsgate released a fantastic special edition DVD of MY BLOODY VALENTINE that included the never before seen deleted footage. Finally getting to see the gory death scenes uncut, the way they were meant to be seen was a real treat. All of the death scenes are considerably longer and much more gruesome. The restored footage adds previously unseen impalements, dismemberments, cannibalism, and decapitation! Best of all, this footage can be watched in the film itself, or seen separately with introductions from the cast, director, and special effects designer. The special features also include “Bloodlust: My Bloody Valentine and the Rise of the Slasher Film” and “Bloodlines: An Interactive Horror Film History,” both of which I watched once and retained no positive memory of. All that really matters is finally having an uncut copy of MBV in my collection. I highly recommend this one, watch it with someone you love. And they say romance is dead.

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!