Deranged Insanity!!!

Gory greetings! Your old pal Brain Hammer is back from the grave and ready to party! This edition of BRAIN HAMMER’S PICKS FROM THE CRYPT highlights three of my favorite flicks that feature deranged lunatics on senseless, psychotic killing sprees!




This delightful film opens inside an insane asylum. An especially dangerous patient named Dickie Cavanaugh is found hanging in his cell. Two orderlies begin digging a grave for an impromptu burial and wind up getting snuffed and thrown into the grave by an unseen maniac for their efforts. Meanwhile at nearby Dewitt University, it’s time to celebrate as the basketball team wins a big game and earns a spot in the state championships.

A costume party is thrown in honor of the team later that evening. As the kids party down they swap stories about Dickie’s murderous legacy. The fun is short lived, as the team’s token fat slob Pryor picks a fight with Benson the team mascot for flirting with his girlfriend. Pryor rants about “whores taking all they can get” and then storms off. When Benson goes back to his dorm room after the party he is quickly dispatched by the killer, who then swipes his stupid looking bear costume.

The next night, there is a big scavenger hunt sponsored by the campus radio station. The killer sneaks into the radio station and discovers the secret locations where the items are hidden. Armed with this knowledge and a homemade glove full of steak knives (Freddy Krueger eat your heart out!), the killer then sets out to annihilate as many bubble headed co-eds as possible. The goofy looking ghoul possesses a burning hatred for women and loves to call them bitches while ripping their throats out.

As the body count quickly rises, the head of campus security, Mac (Hal Holbrook!) tries to stop the insanity and find the killer. As police and reporters search the campus for clues Mac receives a phone call from the madman, who claims to be Dickie Cavanaugh. When Mac calls the asylum he discovers that Dickie is indeed dead and that his body was claimed by a relative. Mac is convinced that this mysterious relative holds the key to the secret of the killer’s identity. He then races to stop the scavenger hunt and warn the girls that the next time they go to a fancy dress up party they should check who’s going with them.

This is hands down my favorite 80’s slasher flick where a killer in a bear suit runs around snuffing sorority sluts with a big paw full of steak knives and calls them all bitches, sluts, and whores while doing it. Look for a great “phoned in” performance from Hal Holbrook in this baby. He only appears in a few brief scenes (usually sitting down at a desk, talking on the telephone) and yet somehow still receives star billing. The producers must have had photos of him blowing a guy or something. Hal’s chubby son David co-stars. You might remember him as the fat puking slob who gets an arrow in the throat from “Old Chief Wood’nhead” in “Creepshow 2.” Or not.

Die hard fans of “Revenge Of The Nerds” (myself proudly included) will enjoy seeing Julie Montgomery (Betty!) get the dutch oven treatment from her gassy love interest. Another putrid element of the film is the soundtrack, which features stinky moldy oldies like “Hot Town Summer In The City” and “Yummy Yummy Yummy, I Got Love In My Tummy.” Slasher fans should also keep a look out for brief appearances from Carrick Glen, who stole the show a few years earlier with her clas-sick shower scene in “The Burning” and Rutanya Alda, who starred in “Christmas Evil” and“Amityville II: The Possession.”‘

“Girls Nite Out” is a must see, very enjoyable flick for hardcore slasher enthusiasts. Fans of cheesy and sleazy slashers with perverse sexual twists like “Sleepaway Camp” should eat this up. Shriek Show released GIRLS NITE OUT on dvd as part of their “Guilty Pleasures” line of campy cult clas-sicks. The bonus features include an alternate opening credits sequence, a brief interview with Julie Montgomery, and the original theatrical trailer, which I consider to be one of the all time greats.



Loren (strange name for a dude!) and his hot sister Abby (played by a fresh faced Lori Loughlin from FULL HOUSE!) move across the country to live with their crazy aunt and uncle after their parents are killed by a drunk driver. Their uncle owns and lives in an old beat up amusement park that he dreams about one day getting back into shape and open for big business. In the meanwhile he runs a small gas station in front of the park and can barely make ends meet. Loren immediately feels sorry for his uncle and gives him the majority of his inheritance money. In exchange Loren and Abbey give to live together inside an old piece of shit barn and slave away working at repairing the park and pumping gas, for free! Great deal.

Things go from bad from worse when the new kids meet the local gang of psychotic redneck dog fighters who terrorize both the high school and the town, led by a cocaine fueled (probably on and off camera) James Spader! When Abbey decides not to offer up her pussy to the gang, they decide everyone in the family must suffer accordingly! The new kids quickly learn three things about southern hospitality – blood, sweat, and TERROR!

DAMN!!! I owe my pal DeathSacks a million for turning me on to this masterpiece of slick & glossy 80’s styled teenage revenge, which was directed by Sean S. Cunningham of “Friday The13th” fame! This is now officially one of my favorite flicks of all time. In the genre of high school themed revenge, done with a lot of drama and intensity, it’s easily one of the best I’ve ever seen. It ranks right up there with other classics like “Massacre At Central High” and “Class Of 1984.″ Cunningham has said in numerous reviews that making this movie really “bummed him out.” He describes it as “Walking Tall” in high school, and found both the storyline and the filming of numerous scenes of brutal violence and sexual content to be very disturbing. It must have reminded him of his glorious days on the set of “Last House On The Left!”

“The New Kids” has it all, including but limited to: rednecks with thick southern accents, characters named Joe Bob, dog fighting tips, cocaine in abundance, a sadistic albino (well not quite, but Spader’s hair is pretty damn bleached out), inept and unless police with bad moustaches, Lori Loughlin in skin tight blue jeans and blood stained white cotton panties, brutal bathroom beatdowns, urination humilation, bloody bunny rabbit in the shower pranks, shotgun shenanegans, bumper car hilarity, house of mirrors hijinks, decapitation via roller coaster, accidental electrocution, pitbull throat ripping, and fiery face melting! And did I mention the brief yet essential appearence of TOM FUCKING ATKINS as the stern yet lovable father with a heart of gold?!? The opening montage where Tom works out with the kids is pure gold. “Why does it hurt to be tough?” You’ll know the answer to that question after you watch this life affirming motion picture.

Not to mention the lead kid in the movie is a total badass. He’s not your your normal tormented tender teen with feet of clay. This kid takes no shit whatsoever from the bullies and stops at nothing to defend his sister’s honor. He also bankrolls his crazy Uncle’s wild business schemes, breaks into his enemies house at night for a little homoerotic payback at knife point, and even finds the time to fall in love with the sheriff’s hot piece of ass daughter! Now that’s a hero that we can be proud of! As Tom Atkin’s onscreen son I expected no less from him.

A masterpiece in every sense of the word, this flick has earned many repeat viewings in the Hammer household! They really don’t make them like this anymore. Fans of revenge themed flicks and fans of the gloriously cheesy 80’s should consider this a must see flick. THE NEW KIDS is currently available on dvd, and a dvd collection without a copy is piss worthy.



The night crew at a small supermarket is having a rather shitty night at work. First, head cashier Jennifer’s creepy and violent ex-boyfriend Craig shows up fresh from the joint to confront her at closing time. After she refuses to discuss their past relationship at work, Craig manhandles her and then trades punches with a few of the employees before finally being chased away. After the dimwitted, inept, and elderly local police make a brief and useless appearance, the owners of the store tell the crew that the store is closing for good, and that they will all lose their jobs in a few weeks!

After much bellyaching the night crew eventually gets back to the evening’s work. Immediately afterward, their young lives are quickly cashed in express lane style by an unseen intruder who has somehow made his way into the store. One by one, the night crew are brutally slaughtered until only Jennifer is left standing. Jennifer then has to band together with the last person she wants to see in order to stay alive and survive the wraith of a deranged lunatic who is just crazy about the store. Can Jennifer survive the final check out?

“Intruder” has to be considered one of the most brutal slasher flicks ever made! The special effects in this flick by KNB are the stuff of legend for gorehounds. I’m talking really nasty splatter, with completely over the top death scenes involving meat hooks, ban saws, and cardboard bailers! I worked at a grocery store for years and found these work hazard related death scenes to be very satisfying! These hardcore gore effects are the film’s biggest asset. The first 40 minutes or so of this flick are sort of boring, but as soon as the blood starts flowing the fun doesn’t stop until the credits roll.

There’s also an abundance of wacky characters (the guy who plays Bub is fucking hilarious) and inventive and sometimes goofy camera work. This especially fun slasher flick was written and directed by Scott Spiegel, who also co-wrote “Evil Dead 2.” Scott did a great job in his directorial debut. One of my favorite parts of the movie is a hilarious shot that gives us the point of view of a telephone.

Interestingly enough, “Intruder” was co-written by Lawrence Bender who went on to produce “Pulp Fiction” as well as numerous other Hollywood blockbusters. Fans of the “Evil Dead” series should love this flick as it features both Sam & Ted Raimi as body count fodder and a special guest appearance from Lawrence Bender and Bruce “groovy” Campbell! Hardcore 80’s slasher fans will no doubt enjoy seeing the one and only Renee Estevez (“Sleepaway Camp II”) in a short lived supporting role.

“Intruder” is a very well made and original horror flick, and a must see for all fans of gory slashers. It amazes me that this flick is not more well known. The micro-budget (only about $1000!) and lack of distribution quickly ushered this one into semi obscurity. When originally released on home video in the dying days of the 80’s slasher craze, the film was severely edited to earn an R rating. I think that may have something to do with why the film was overlooked. The few horror fans that bothered to rent this one were probably sorely disappointed by the lack of gore and told their friends to avoid it.

Like any clas-sick horror flick, this needs to be seen UNCUT to be fully appreciated. The fine folks at Wizard Entertainment returned from the grave a few years ago and released a fully uncut dvd of INTRUDER. The image quality isn’t perfect, but the film is uncut and all the glorious death scenes are fully intact. Fans of gory slasher flicks need to see this one!




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