Kim Richards Retrospective!!!

Kim Richards is one of the sexiest chicks I’ve ever seen. She’s become my ultimate time machine fantasy. I want to take a time machine back to 1984, find Kim Richards on the set of “Meatballs II” and fuck her brains out!

She was also a damn cute little kid. She started acting way back in 1971 and guest starred in a shitload of famous tv shows and movies in the Seventies and Eighties including family favorites like “Little House On The Prairie” and “Diffrent Strokes.” She’s best known for starring in those Walt Disney “Witch Mountain” flicks. Kim also earned a place in the 70’s horror hall of fame for appearing in the 1977 cult clas-sick “The Car.”

By the time 1984 rolled around Kim was all grown up and smoking hot. Everything about her is sexy, but she is best remembered for her incredibly long and beautiful blonde hair. In 1984 Kim starred in the notorious piece of shit flick “Meatballs II,” and in my humble opinion she has never looked better. She steals the show in her sexy workout outfit. Kim stopped acting in 1990 and has shit out a few kids over the years, but she still looks amazing. She’s a MILF of extraordinary magnitude. She even came out of retirement in 2006 to appear as Christina Ricci’s mother in “Black Snake Moan!” The thought of Kim Richards and Christina Ricci together is enough to make my keyboard sticky so I’d better stop while I’m ahead.

In honor of Kim Richards, LET THE BLOODSHED BEGIN!!!

 

ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (1976)

On a white hot Saturday night in Los Angeles, six members of the gang known as “Street Thunder” are ambushed and killed by the police. On Sunday morning, the warlords of Street Thunder swore a blood oath to avenge their deaths. For the gang called Street Thunder it is a day of vengeance. It’s war in the streets and no one is safe.

The warlords spend the day cruising the streets looking for the perfect victim and settle for an ice cream man. A cute little girl (Kim Richards!) stumbles upon his senseless execution and pays for it with her life. Her distraught Father then snaps and goes after Street Thunder seeking revenge. He eventually manages to track them down and takes out the bastard who killed his daughter. He then runs inside Precinct 13 looking for help.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, Precinct 13 is nearly deserted. The station is in the process of shutting down for good, and a rookie cop named Bishop (Austin Stroker) has been left in charge for the evening, supervising a small band of station personnel and a bus load of convicted killers led by the notorious Napoleon Wilson (Darwin Joston) that unexpectedly arrive at the station seeking medical attention. The gang members cut the phone lines and the people inside Precinct 13 are instantly cut off from help, completely isolated in the middle in the city.

It’s terror in the night as Street Thunder unleash the most shattering assault on a police station in history. In desperation, Bishop has to arm Napoleon and the other dangerous prisoners so they can band together to battle the never ending human wave of street thugs desperate to kill everyone inside Precinct 13. In a war against a ruthless army of street killers, his only ally will be a convicted murderer.

ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 is an ultra-tense combination of Howard Hawks’s “Rio Bravo” (1959) and George Romero’s “Night Of The Living Dead” (1969). The influence of NOTLD can especially be felt at the end of the film, when the good guys have to fend off an army of killers. It’s suspenseful, unpredictable, and shocking, especially the notorious “Vanilla Twist” moment. There are a few sequences that clearly would not be allowed today, including psychopaths driving around randomly targeting people with a sniper rifle and of course the brutal on screen murder of a child. These truly shocking scenes are a big part of why Precinct 13 is so effective.

John Carpenter’s decision to place dates and times on the screen gives the film a semi-documentary feel and adds to the gritty realism. This was Carpenter’s first time working with Panavision and the semi-hand held camera work becomes a character of it’s own as it slithers through the scenes. I am also a big fan of the score that Carpenter composed for the film. The ominous sounding electronic pulses are a perfect soundtrack and add a real sense of urban menace. Precinct 13 isn’t nearly as high tech as some of Carpenter’s later efforts, but in some ways it’s still his best film. I rank it right up there with “Halloween” and “The Thing.”

The good folks at Image Entertainment released a fantastic collectors edition dvd of ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13. The bonus features include an interview with John Carpenter and Austin Stoker, director’s commentary, radio spots, still gallery, theatrical trailer, and an isolated score track. This is a must see film and an essential purchase.

 

 

DEVIL DOG: THE HOUND OF HELL (1978)

A cult of Satanists lead by the incredibly sexy looking Martine Beswick of “Dr.No” fame buy a champion breeding German Shepard for use in one of their bizarre rituals. They summon the dark lord Caninus and the evil spirit then rapes the dog to create a litter of evil puppies! The cult then sets their sights on the Barry family, your typical bunch of white bread suburbanites. First they kill the Barry’s beloved dog with their black car. Then they send in secret weapon, R.G. Armstrong (“EVILSPEAK!”) as an undercover fruit and vegetable salesman who gives the grieving Barry children one of the Satanic pups.

The Barry family’s Hispanic housekeeper Maria is immediately distrustful of the adorable yet ominous looking pup. As a devout Catholic she can somehow sense the evil presence in the house and begs Mike Barry (played by Richard Crenna of “First Blood” fame!) to get rid of the little devil doggie. He quickly dismisses her as an idiot. The possessed pup also grows tired of the maid’s bullshit and when left alone in the house with her he uses his evil puppy powers to set her on fire!

We then flash forward a year and find cute little Bonnie Barry (Kim Richards!) celebrating her thirteenth birthday. Last year she wanted a doll house, this year she wants her ears pierced. The evil puppy has also grown up and is now a full grown devil dog. The devil dog uses its bizarre powers to hypnotize Mike and in a daze he comes very close to sticking his hand into lawnmower blades. The evil canine possesses the children and turns them into sassy back talkers that rig their school elections. Then Mrs. Barry has a carnal confrontation with the demon dog that unleashes her inner whore. She quickly has an affair with the next door neighbor and rubs it her husbands face. Then the devil dog pays the neighbor a visit and drowns him in his pool. Mike discovers his neighbor dead, and then walks in on his wife and kids in the middle of a Satanic ritual in the attic!

Shocked, Mike turns to the family doctor who quickly dismisses him as an idiot. Mike then stumbles upon the conveniently located neighborhood magic shop. The helpful proprietor tells Mike to hold a mirror up to his sleeping daughter’s face so he can see her true form. Mike does this, and in a very cool scene it is revealed that his sweet looking daughter is really a prune faced hell hag! Mike then travels to Ecuador (!) to learn the secrets of the infernal beast from a medicine man. The mystic carves a magical symbol on Mike’s wrist that he claims will send the beast back to hell. Mike returns home armed with this secret weapon and has an unbelievable final confrontation with the hell hound. Will Mike’s pure soul be enough to stop the beast and what happened to the rest of the devil dog litter?

This fantastic made for tv horror flick debuted on Halloween night, 1978. Imagine the shock and horror a generation of trick or treaters must have experienced while tuning into this one on that fateful evening. Even by 70’s standards this occult themed flick is incredibly cheesy. The showdown between Richard Crenna and the rear projected horn and afro sporting hell hound is a real pisser. It’s also fairly lurid stuff for a tv movie. A cult of dog raping satanists, devil dogs that possess children, portraits of the dark one etched in blood. Great stuff. I rank this one right up there with other 70’s made for tv clas-sicks like “Salem’s Lot” and “Gargoyles.”

Shriek Show must agree with me, as they were wise enough to unleash a beautiful looking TWO DISC dvd release of DEVIL DOG that includes a second disc full of bonus features. The highlight is the epic “To The Devil, A Dog” featurette, which runs nearly as long as the movie itself! This featurette includes an extended interview with Kim Richards where she discusses “Devil Dog,” as well as “Assault On Precinct 13” and “Tuff Turf.” This is an essential purchase for Kim Richards fans.

 

 

TUFF TURF (1985)

A fresh faced James Spader stars as Morgan Hiller, a leather jacket sporting, bmx riding rebel without a cause. Poor little rich boy Morgan gets kicked out of an exclusive private school in Connecticut for performing rooftop rock concerts during lunch and this inexplicably causes his family to lose most of their money and be forced to move cross country to the mean streets of Los Angeles. Morgan quickly finds out how tuff his new turf can be when he stops a ruthless teenage street gang from mugging an old man while singing “Be Bop A Lu La.” One of the gang members manages to slice up a really gay looking patch on the back of Morgan’s jacket with a samurai sword (?) and the evil leader of the gang, Nick, swears revenge.

The next morning is Morgan’s first day at his new school. There’s an interesting moment where the gang gathers in the school parking lot and Nick notices Morgan. This causes Nick to tell his thugs “I think we’re going to school.” Apparently the gang normally hangs out in the parking lot every morning before school and then leaves without going inside. Meanwhile, Morgan quickly finds himself a heterosexual life partner in the form of New Wave Jimmy, played by none other than the infamous Robert Downey Jr! Jimmy gives Morgan a switchblade to protect himself and warns him about the dangers of tangling with Nick and the boys.

Morgan doesn’t listen of course, especially when he sees that Nick has swiped his beloved bmx and is having a joyride in the parking lot. Morgan immediately goes to confront Nick which causes Jimmy to declare that he has a goddamn death wish. Morgan narrowly avoids getting run over by Nick’s minions, and his bike is trashed in the process. Morgan doesn’t bother trying to fight Nick. Instead he stares a hole into Nick’s smoking hot girlfriend Frankie. (Kim Richards!) Morgan’s eyes burn with a fiery intensity, and this steely determination seemingly captures Frankie’s interest.

Later that night Morgan steals a car and goes to the local New Wave club to catch a performance from the human heroin vacuum himself, Jim fucking Carroll! Frankie and her skanky gal pal also go to the show, which gives Morgan another chance to stare at Frankie like a psychopath. Then Morgan grabs Frankie and repeatedly forces her to dance with him. This is one of those moments where the mere words of an intrepid reviewer can do nothing to capture the movie magic. Being the 80’s after all, the entire dance scene is carefully choreographed chaos. I would think that grabbing a girl and forcing her to dance against her will would make her hate you, but this bold move actually seems to impress Frankie and makes her crack a smile or two.

The fun ends when Nick and the boys show up. (Everyone loves the Jim Carroll band in this flick!) The hooligans chase Morgan into the parking lot and rough him up a bit before helping themselves to his car, the same car that he had stolen earlier. The LAPD quickly catches up with the gang and locks them up, which gives Morgan a few days to make his move on Frankie. New Wave Jimmy steals Nick’s car and picks up Morgan for a joyride. Morgan then gets the brilliant idea to trick Frankie and the skankie into hopping into the car for a little cruise around town.

Yet again, Morgan forces Frankie to spend time with him, despite the fact that she repeatedly tells him that she’s not interested and that her boyfriend will kill him. The kids kill some time rolling through Beverly Hills before crashing an upscale country club luncheon. Madcap hilarity ensues as the street wise teens mingle with the culturally elite. Just when the snobby country club manager is about to kick them out, Morgan hops on the piano and belts out an incredibly tender ballad entitled “I Walk The Night.” This sudden display of sensitivity is enough to finally melt Frankie’s heart and make her warm up to Morgan. Then the kids go to yet another club and dance up a storm to the toe tapping sounds of Jack Mack & The Heart Attack. The music causes Frankie to unleash her inner whore and dance like a woman possessed!

No high school revenge flick would be complete with a bathroom beat down, and TUFF TURF is no exception to this rule. Nick and the gang get out of jail and promptly beat the shit out of Morgan in the showers. Nick gives Morgan a final warning to stop playing with fire, and yet again Morgan refuses to take no for an answer. Instead he shows up in Frankie’s bedroom and invites her to dinner with his family. Frankie hesitatingly agrees and spends some quality time in front of the mirror making herself look prim and proper. As Frankie and Morgan enjoy their dinner, Nick plots and schemes to get his revenge. The dinner turns ugly thanks to some offhand remarks from Morgan’s bitch of a mother and Frankie storms off, only to find Nick and the gang waiting for her. Nick smooth talks her and then drives around the city aimlessly for a few hours until he finally finds what he is looking for – Morgan’s father. Morgan’s pop is a cab driver by night, and Nick tries to makes Frankie go up to him looking for money. When Frankie refuses, Nick explodes with jealousy and shoots Morgan’s father in the chest!

Morgan’s father somehow survives the shooting. While the family stews in the hospital waiting room, Morgan’s yuppie older brother shows up and gives mom a lengthy hug. A bit too lengthy, if you catch my drift. There’s an entire subplot about Morgan being jealous of his older brother, but I’m more interested in the distinct possibilities of torrid incest between his brother and mother. The two of them can’t stop groping each other in every scene. Frankie also shows up at the hospital and tearfully apologizes to Morgan for what happened. Morgan accepts her apology, and then takes her home to gently and sweetly fuck her brains out.

Just as things finally seem to be going Morgan’s way, Nick makes his presence known and violently assaults Frankie inside of her dad’s liquor store. He goes completely nuts, trashes the store, and then forces Frankie to call Morgan. Nick gets on the phone with Morgan and tells him that he would rather kill Frankie than see her with another guy. He then tells Morgan to meet him at THE WAREHOUSE in twenty minutes. Despite the fact that there are thousands of warehouses in Los Angeles, Morgan somehow knows exactly what warehouse Nick is referring to and arms himself with his trusty tranquilizer guns for a final showdown. He’s a rebel about to become a hero.

I consider “Tuff Turf” to be a true 80’s masterpiece. This movie is so much fun! I’ve watched this one countless times over the last few years. Most of the plot is shamelessly lifted from “Rebel Without A Cause.” New kid in town, falls in love with the wrong girl, etc. Not exactly groundbreaking material, but why mess with a winning formula? James Spader is pantie peeler. The scene where he pours out his soul to Kim on the piano is a powerful vaginal moisturizer.

Another one of the many highlights of the film for me is watching an old school Robert Downey Jr with the gap in his teeth rocking out on the drums with the Jim Carroll band! I have to wonder if Jim hooked Robert up with some skag on the set and helped send him down the path to glory. The music in this flick is excellent. There’s also a decent amount of violence and tension towards the end of the film to help keep things interesting and prevent this flick from being a cornball comedy.

This flick is notorious for featuring a Kim Richards breast shot, but stunt breasts were used. Sadly, Kim Richards has never gotten naked on film. I can only dream, and trust me when I say that I do. Often. She looks incredible in this movie. Her big dance scene is a real show stopper. “She’s lookin’ good!” Fans of the gloriously cheesy 80’s will eat this up. Sadly, they just don’t make them like this anymore. TUFF TURF is available on dvd from Anchor Bay Entertainment, and is Brain Hammer approved in a BIG way! 

 

KEEP THE BLOOD FLOWING!!!

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One Response to “Kim Richards Retrospective!!!”

  1. Love Tuff Turf have it in DVD. Love Kim I wrote her a letter never got response. James and Robert, u guys rock great flick

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